Life in Disney's Backyard

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...

2007-09-23T18:17:00.000-04:00

...CROA

CROA is what the rest of the planet would call a Home Owners Association or HOA.

But here in Celebration, everything has to be just

a little different, and so, we have CROA, which is the acronym for CRAZY RESIDENT OVERLORD ASSOCIATION or, for short, Crazy Ass (that is how you abbreviate association... isn't it?) As in "I got a letter from the Crazy Ass today", or "Can you believe those Crazy Ass rules?" Some people prefer to call it the Celebration Residential Owners Association. But that's only the the ones who work there.

Now I have dealt with Home Owners Associations before. My last neighborhood was governed by a HOA. The covenants for that HOA stated rules like "Only two horses per acre". That one was easy as we had zero horses per acre. "Poultry may be kept for 4H engagement only and no farming of them." I might have bent that one a bit, since we had chickens but didn't have kids in 4H. I felt that that was okay since we didn't eat the chickens. Not like the guy down at the end of our road. He not only had chickens but he had several emu too, and I'm sure he ate them. And I know he had kids, but I'm pretty sure they weren't in 4H. Actually, I'm pretty sure those kids couldn't even spell 4H.

I never ran a fowl of that HOA. (insert laugh track here)

But I swear this Crazy Ass is making me... well, crazy.

We had heard about the Crazy Ass, long before we moved into Celebration (again, going back to the Celebration Myth and Lore), but didn't take it too seriously. Once we got here though, it was CROA this and CROA that. I knew they were a very tight Ass, but I didn't know how tight until the day of our closing when our attorney handed over several large bundles of bound paper. When stacked one on top of the other, they stood about two and a half feet tall. The attorney then informed my wife and I that these were the covenants of Celebration. He was a pretty nice guy and we thought he was making a joke. He wasn't. We hauled them into our trunk where they sat for about 6 months. From there they migrated to the garage where they have been collecting cobwebs ever since. Maybe we should have read them... who knew?

Now when we first moved to Celebration, our intent was to rent a town home for one year and then buy. Our mistake was in looking at homes while we were renting. Once you start looking, it's hard to turn back. But, since we were technically only 'looking', we weren't interested in contacting a realtor. Now I'm not saying anything bad about realtors. There are plenty of them in Celebration, so many in fact you can't swing a dead cat in this town without smacking a realtor in the head.

Each weekend, Celebration hosts dozens upon dozens of open houses. Well, I can't say that it was because we had nothing better to do (we are Annual Park Pass Holders at Disney which means we always have something better to do), but let's just say that one fine weekend we had nothing better to do so we went to check out some open houses.

Back when we were in Colorado internet house hunting for a home in Celebration I fell in love with one particular house. And if you remember my saying "Be careful what you say cause God is listening..." Well on one of my scouting trips out here, I came specifically to look at this one house and Susan was waiting by the phone for a report. "Well...what do you think?" "I don't think so, it doesn't look as good as it does on the internet. Now if the one next door were available, I'd take that in an instant, but I don't think it's in our price range."

Low and behold, guess what was on the open house list, and was in our price range. We we walked in it was kind of like love at first sight. The inside was even better than we could have hoped, it was for sale by owner, and he was totally willing to work with us. We both gave a little on the price and then before you knew it, we were packing (again). We were the proud new owners of our own little piece of Disney's backyard. And about two hundred pounds of covenants.

There are lots of things you don't see in Celebration. One of them would be the big metal "For Sale" signs in front yards. All the signs are the same discreet, small, white oval, stating "Home Available." This gives the town a uniform look.

You also don't see Christmas lights left up all year round. Thanks CROA.

No more than two cars parked in front of your house. Good Stuff.

No tropical plantings in front of the property. Uhm, ookay. I guess.

CROA says "Use the Celebration Pattern Book to guide decisions regarding modifications. Some Pattern Book restrictions are specific to particular villages"

Every home in Lake Evalyn is required to have a picket fence.

Some are specific to lot types .

Village homes must have a canopy tree in addition to street trees.

Some are specific to individual architectural styles.

Victorian homes do not have shutters.

Some are specific to individual streets.

All homes on Downey Place must be painted Colonial Beige.

Some apply to all Celebration.

All street facing window treatments must be white.

So when I put a nice small pond in my side yard, that my neighbors loved I shouldn't have been surprised when I got the letter, "No water features". Thanks Crazy Ass.

How about the time that I put pink shutters on my house? Okay I deserved that letter. Thanks CROA. So the shutters get painted white to match the house? Still no go! Uh, hello about 75% of the houses in Celebration have shutters. According to The Crazy ASS, "Shutters don't belong on a Victorian style home". Okay, off with the shutters, fill in the pond, plant the grass...

How about a nice fountain, that will look pretty? Again, with the letter "you can keep the fountain, but move it to your back yard." Now were annoyed! Susan fires off a letter pointing out that there are about ten homes within sight of our home with fountains in the front yard. "Yes" comes the reply "But, not like your home", which is true and Sue points that out in her letter back to them. "So, if our home was worth $4,000,000 we could have a fountain in the front yard?"

The Crazy Ass response was "Duh, and the pink shutters too!"

I guess from now on I'll be a good Celebration Borg, and try to assimilate.

Resistance is futile!

See you real soon!

A Pirates Life...

2007-09-15T17:33:00.000-04:00

...for Me?

Amanda, our thirteen year old never does anything in a small way. She can take the normal things in life and make them into events. Susan, is an encourager (yes, I know it's not a word, just work with me) of these things, and that's just one of the reasons that I love them both.

Being lovers of all things Disney we counted the days to the opening of the second Pirates movie. As a bonus, Disney refurbished the Pirates of the Caribbean ride to include the movie characters. While the ride was closed for the extended rehab the girls were distraught, Sue especially. The Pirates ride has always been her favorite. Long before it found new fans from the movie, Susan was singing the pirates ride song.

For the longest time I thought she was doing middle age suburban housewife rap... "...YO! HO! YO! HO!"

In honor of the movie release and the reopening of the ride, Amanda decided that we would all dress in pirate costumes and be among the first in line on opening day. We would ride in full pirate regalia and then head off to see the movie. Of course Susan encouraged this madness while I tried to make myself disappear, wondering why we can't do things like normal people.

To be honest, I didn't really have a problem with this since I do have a very nice Jack Sparrow outfit that I look pretty good in. Susan will tell you that in costume, I'm a dead ringer for Johnny Depp (another reason to love her). Amanda will tell you that I'm a dead ringer all right, but it's for Kramer from Seinfeld, in a puffy shirt! Needless to say,one of them is blind and the other's a brat. You make the call.

So off we went to get dressed and ready. I trimmed my mustache and beard Captain Jack style and the girls dressed in fine Pirate form. Amanda's friend, Andy (who drove down with us from Colorado if you remember) was still visiting with us. So there we were... four pirates, ready to go.

I'm sure that on that day we contributed to Celebration myth and lore (there are many myths, but those stories are for another day.) As we were walking down the street to our car, a family of tourists stopped dead in the street. All the windows on my side rolled down and every one was gawking.

"Um...excuse me...do you work here?"

Being a Celebration resident for all of 72 hours, I wasn't quite sure how to respond. I didn't really understand the question. In retrospect, I should have given them a mighty "AARRRRGH Matey, and what of it?", but the best I could do was a lame "Can I help you?"

They were lost and looking for directions. I helped them as best as I could and walked away; but they just sat there... staring. I know that somewhere out there, that family tells their story about the town of Celebration. "Yea, it's weird, it's where all the employees have to live! And they walk around dressed in costume. Really! I saw it with my own eyes! Ask my wife Mavis if you don't believe me, HEY MAVIS...!"

Nothing could have prepared us for what happened next as we innocently headed to the Magic Kingdom dressed as four proud pirates.

Mistake number one: They let us in.

This was before Captain Jack Sparrow joined the ranks as a regular character in the park. But what did I know? I was just out having 'fun'. When the four of us were together, I got lots of stares and a few "Good day Captain" comments, but things were otherwise 'normal'. It wasn't until we split up that things got crazy.

After we rode Pirates (and my wife stopped drooling), Amanda and Andy wanted to ride Splash Mountain. Since the park was pretty crowded I told them to wait while I walked over to get them fast passes.

That's when it happened! They came at me like a crazy mob! Not kidding here.

It started with one teenage girl and snowballed from there. The girl wanted a picture and a hug. 'What the heck', I thought. No harm in a picture and a hug. Then a couple of parents brought the little ones up, "Captain Jack! Captain Jack!" They were screaming out and running towards me. Now it's pictures and autographs. I try to keep walking to catch up with my wife, but I'm not getting away... "Jack Sparrow, you're my husbands favorite! Honey look it's Captain Jack!" (I know this can't be good.) "He's even got your tattoo on his back" My new best friend needs help lifting his shirt because of his size, and sure enough there he is in all his glory, shirt off, modeling the skull and cross bones emblazoned across his back. There's enough flesh there to make two little pirates! Time for a picture and I make my escape.

I find Susan and I try to explain to her what's happening. "WE HAVE TO LEAVE! NOW" I beg her as another group stops me. As Amanda and Andi grab their fast passes and leave, a devious smile spreads over Susan's face as she walks away laughing. More autographs, more pictures. A line is forming and I keep trying to leave. "Wait, one more...please.

I know that I should have said, "Hey, I'm not Jack. I'm just Dana..."

But I didn't. Mistake number two.

Maybe it was going to my head. Everyone thought I was Jack. I knew that these kids were from all over the world. Not just from down the road like me. I was Jack Sparrow to them, and I wasn't going to let them go home and talk about Captain Crappy Pants who wouldn't even stop for an autograph.

Now that my wife's laughing cramps have subsided, she joined me and whispered "I think you'll be okay if we can just get out of Adventureland..." So we made our way over to Main Street USA. Earth to Dana, this is the busiest spot on this, or any other planet. I'm a genius. I'm mobbed again. Not only is there a line, but now it's become "Hey! We were here first..", they were shoving each other. "We want her autograph too!" And so Susan gets the autograph books shoved at her too. Who's laughing now?

Tap on the shoulder. "Um what are you doing here? You shouldn't be on Main Street." It's Disney security. "Thank goodness you're here, I can't get out of here." Blank stare. "Why didn't you use the employee exit?" "Hello..NOT an employee. I just came in for the ride and..." Blank stare. "How did you get in?" "Hello... front gate, can you help me get out?" All this in between autographs. "They shouldn't have let you in dressed like this." "Yeah, well, now we know." The kindly security guard finally sees the light and explains to the people that my time is up, and she escorts us to the exit.

The ride on the monorail to the parking lot wasn't so bad. Just one autograph for a small boy, and, oh yeah, the picture with the older lady that came across the car from four seats away to have her picture taken with me, while whispering in my ear "You're my faaaavorite." As if I really am somebody.

Susan and I headed home to change into our real clothes. Much to Amanda's dismay,we decided NOT to go to the movie premier in costume. We explained to her about our brush with fame and how we were soooo over it, she had enjoyed her day in the park, but she didn't understand all the excitment. And to her I was... just Dana.

So if you're out there, and you have a picture of your kids posing with a forty-something looking Captain Jack Sparrow, or your autograph book is signed by Cpt. Jack and "Wench" (which is what Susan came up with in the heat of the moment), well hey, congratulations and I hope I made your day.

'Cause you sure as heck made mine.

See you real soon!

Be Careful What You Say...

2007-09-08T13:27:00.000-04:00

...Because God is listening and could use a good laugh right about now!

I used to start each morning with a prayer. "Dear God, thank you for allowing me to wake up and have another day in Colorado with Susan, truly two of your most beautiful creations."

So, when we last met, I was in Celebration and called the wife "Sell the house..." Do you remember that? Well, the very next day I was hanging out at Epcot, when I got a call from the director of sales, telling me my services were no longer required. I was stunned, shocked, flabbergasted. I was the department manger, still on a sales trip that had been a huge success by any measure. But there I was, just like the cross eyed circumciser; I got the sack!

That was in September. Susan started talking about moving almost immediately and looking at homes online. "Sue, you know I hate Florida" I'd protest. "If you hate Florida so much why do we go there all the time?" "We don't go to Florida, we go to Disney World. It's not the same". "Good" she'd say "Because we're not moving to Florida, we're moving to Celebration!" You've got to admit, she had me there.

In February we were back in Disney. It was time Sue got a look at Celebration firsthand. She was going to get Amanda on her side. "...and that will be your new school, and we'll get a nice house; like one of...well, not that...or that...or that, or that, or that. For Pete's sake Dana get us off East Lawn!"

In April she had me applying for jobs online (this internets thing is ruinin' my life).

In May, I'm invited to an interview. "Good, after the interview there's a bunch of the houses I want you to look at. Take plenty of pictures."

"Sue, I'm lost. Map quest me please" No, I am not making that up. I had my darling wife, guiding me all over the state from her office in Colorado. "What kind of drive will it be to where you'll work?" she asked "If nobody else is on the road, about forty-five minutes, with normal traffic, about a day and a half!"

In June, I was offered the job. At last Sue's dream was about to become my nightmare, so we're off to Disney and Celebration. Again. To find a place to stay until we found a house to buy.

While we were in Animal Kingdom, I got a call, we had an offer on the house.

Try and top this. While on Disney property I should never have my phone on. I've been called about distructive goats, I've been fired, I've sold a house that I didn't really want to sell. I won't even mention the call I got about the hot tub that froze solid after the party with the high school kids...Krisi, I'm looking in your direction!

On July 1st I pick up our "Save-A-Buck Rent-a-Truck" and wait for the movers to arrive. And I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm calling, I'm waiting. I finally get a call. They're still on a job in New Mexico!! They'll be here about an hour after the time that I had set for us to leave. So now I'm loading, I'm loading, I'm loading. When I say "I" what I really mean is..."I". See Susan felt the need to be at her job that day. Yes, the one she would not have tomorrow. She is very dedicated and there was work to be done. At the office.

She finally got to the house with just enough time to say "You're gonna need another truck."

"Okay, If I'm driving this truck, and you're driving that car, whom do you suggest drive the second truck? Should it be the dog? Because let me tell you, that dog hasn't been the same since that rancher shot him in the head! If this baby backfires, he's going to poo all over the upholstery."

Goodwill made quite the haul that day let me tell you. No second truck needed.

There we were, in the heat of the summer. Driving across the country... "In 129 miles bear right onto I-25/SR 210/CR 517/Hwy 9 to BFE ...Susan, Amanda, and her friend Andi and the two cats in the car. I got stuck in the "Save-A-Buck-Rent-A-Truck" with my wife's dog, Shane the Insane.

We arrived on the Fourth of July. It was hot and steamy (just like my underwear) and rained that afternoon. Little did I know, that was Florida's weather forcast for June, July and August. Thank God I don't live in Florida. I live in Disney's backyard. Celebration.

So, just what did Goodwill get that day?
Among other things, a one hundred year old piano that I had restored over the course of a year. A couple of wing back chairs that we had bought the month before...

...and a hand made, hot pink electric guitar that someone had to have, to impress a guy at school...Krisi I'm looking in your direction!

See ya real soon!

The Episode in Which I First See Celebration

2007-09-01T19:16:00.000-04:00

So how does a born and bred mountain man come to be in Celebration, Florida? When I tell you, I doubt that you'll believe me. I've been living here for over a year and I'm not sure I believe it.

When last we met I was on my way to the "World" with my Susan and the girls. And I loved every hour, every minute and every second of it. They taught me the things that everyone going to Disney needs to know (Hello, Fastpass I'm talking to you) in order to make the most of their trip. So I did what any red blooded, totally obsessed Disney Freak would do. I went back. A lot. Not that that was easy. Do you know how hard it is to plan a trip to Florida when your plan also has to include getting a person to stay at your place to feed three dogs and two cats. "And you'll love the two Belles; Lilly and Clara, mind the white one, she butts. I bottled fed those goats since they were babies so they're like big dogs. With horns. Oh yeah , I almost forgot. You'll also need you to feed and water forty chickens and three ducks, please don't forget to collect the eggs. I guess you should feed the rabbits while you're out there".

The chickens were a Christmas present from me to Susan. Yes, really. I'll bet you've never been walking down Main Street U.S.A. and gotten a call because the goats knocked down the fence and the chickens are running wild and what should I do now?

We went to Disney every chance we could. Susan and I were bad parents (it's easy to believe of me, but not Sue). We lied, so that we could go without the kids once. We both worked for the same company and we told the girls that we had to take a business trip. Four days in Florida. Four days in Disney without any whining or crying. Okay, I whined a little, but I really didn't want to go on Mission Space two times in a row. It upsets my tummy worse than the $5.00 all you can eat Super China Buffet. Not the one over by the $4.99 all you can eat pizza. That one's okay. I mean the other one, two blocks up, by the $6.99 all you can eat lobster and seafood place.

In all of our trips though we never made it to Celebration. We thought about it. But we always stayed "on property" (Sue taught me that) and never rented a car (take the bus, leave the driving to us). So the one time I actually did come down to Florida on business I thought if I have a few minutes, what the heck. My first mistake was telling Susan. As I told you before, you can't mention anything to Susan, even in passing without her taking whatever actions are necessary to make it happen. I'd say I'm a thinker and Sue's a doer. But I'm not even a thinker.

There I was, driving through Celebration for the first time, doing all the things that I now yell at other people for, "HEY TEX, it's a friggin' house. Don't they have any where you come from? You're blocking traffic. People live here you know." It was dusk and the lights of the AMC Theatre were reflecting on the lake. The fountain was bubbling. People were strolling. Kids were frolicking. I wasn't sweating. It was beautiful. That's when I did it. It was that phone call. It's all so clear. Susan will tell you that I moved us here, but that's not true. Not even a little. I would never leave my beloved mountains. What I did do however was make a little joke. I called my wife on the cell phone, and when she answered, the first thing out of my mouth was, "Sell the house, I'm not coming home." And she did. And here I am.

True Story.

By the way, if you put the fence back up, put the goats in the barn and leave the gate open on the chicken run, the chickens will come home by themselves when it starts to get dark. Chickens always come home to roost.

See ya real soon!

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Where Disney lovers come from

2007-08-26T16:36:00.000-04:00

Which came first, the chicken, or the egg? Are Disney freaks made, through the power of television, movies and big bucks ad campaigns, or are we born? Kind of like that weird little boy with the big forehead in the Omen movies. Brush the hair away from our scalps and you'll find the mark of the beast. Except in our case it's a small Mickey head rather than a 666.

Any time someone said the words “Disney World” to me, my reaction was to show two thumbs down and give a hearty Bronx cheer, followed by “Disney Sucks”; sort of like Hell’s version of Siskel & Ebert. Anyone who has ever met me can tell you that I am loud and proud. I believe in everyone’s God given right to hear my opinions.

I came to Disney in a very indirect manner. I had no intent or interest in going to “The World” ever again. Yet, if you ask my wife, Susan she’ll tell you it was my idea.

What happened was this. I had my behind firmly planted on the couch, like any healthy American male. I was bonding with my 2nd best friend (Susan being my #1, of course), Mr. TV. So there I was watching “Disney Secrets Revealed”. Now I imagine you’re thinking, a Disney hater watching a Disney show? What’s up with that? But here’s the thing, and I’m sure the guys will understand. It was in High Definition! 65 inches of HDTV! I’ll watch paint dry if it’s in HD. I mean, since I pay extra for HD, I watch HD. I’d prefer Women’s Beach Volleyball, but I’ll take whatever I can get.

Next morning, I casually mention on the way out the door, “Cool show” which my darling wife takes to mean “Please pack the bags and get us on the next available flight!” At noon Susan calls to tell me, “you know I just happened to be on the internet, and there are some great deals to Disney World right now." My response to her was; “A) no one just happens to be on the internet checking flights to Orlando, and B) PLBBBBBBT, Disney Sucks." When I got home that evening the youngest daughter, Amanda was thumbing through The Big Book of Disney Propaganda volumes I to IV. “I just happened to be at the bookstore”, says Susan. Well, first of all the bookstore is thirty minutes away, in a mall that's so small it gets (maybe) seventeen shoppers a day, six of whom just stopped to use the restroom before driving the other thirty minutes to town. Also, Susan hates driving more than I hated Disney. And at that point in my life the only things I hated were Satan otherwise known as the ex-wife,Disney and Texans. But I lived in Colorado, where we passed a law in 1976 that requires all its citizens to hate Texans. Failure to do so was punishable by public stoning.

By now I’m starting to get suspicious but I don’t give it much thought until the next day in the car on the way home when Amanda informs me that we’re going to Disney World! “No, we’re not! First of all, PLBBBBBT! Disney Sucks, and anyway, we can’t afford it.” Cue the waterworks for the eight year old girl please, thank you. Susan takes that moment to remind me that I don’t really know if we can afford it or not, do I? I don’t pay the bills, do I? Heck I don’t even know where the checkbook is kept. Why does our family have to be banned from Disney just because I once went with Satan at the wrong time of the year. And whose fault is it that a little girl asked Fat Sandy for her autograph, thinking she was Ursula The Sea Witch. Why do we have to miss out because I went once when the castle was in mid transformation into a Pepto-Bismol colored birthday cake. I was informed that with Disney you have to "know before you go". Being a long time visitor, she knew and she could show me. But if taking our first ever vacation as a family was not important to me, well she’d just cancel everything and I could explain it to the girls myself!

Do you see what she did there? She cut me off at the knees. I could either scoot around on bloody stumps for the rest of my life, leaving a trail behind me like a slug, or I could yell “We’re Going to Disney World”. That's just what I did. True Story.

We had an exhausting eight hour drive to take a four hour, red eye flight with a three hour layover in Hotlanta. Still, I was hooked from the first glimpse of Cinderella's Castle peaking over the trees. On the last night of our vacation, my eyes seemed to 'perspire' during Wishes. It was right about then that I got a tingly feeling on my scalp, under my hair line (I had a hairline at the time). And that's the moment a Disney Lover was born. Shortly after that I was talking about a Disney Vacation Club membership (hey, have you heard Disney's worst kept secret?). I figured, if I don't know what we can't afford, then we must be able to afford just about everything.

Thank you Susan. Thank you Amada. Thank you Walt.

The Birth of a Disney Hater

2007-08-25T20:28:00.000-04:00

Hi, I'm Dana, and I'm a Disney Freak and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I wasn't always this way. I didn't always live in a town built by Disney. I used to live in Colorado like any sane person should. My socks didn't always have "Hidden Mickeys" on them, they used to have the Nike Swoosh like a normal person's socks should.

How does one get to be a Disney freak, a lover of all things Disney? I started out as a hater. My first trip to Walt Disney World was a disaster of epic proportions. The kind disaster that can only happen in the heat of a Florida summer. A Florida summer so hot and humid your butt bastes in it's own gravy.

My first, and I thought my last Disney trip was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far from here. No, really. I started out by driving from my home in Denver, with what was at that time my soon to be ex-wife and our three kids, on a trip I could not afford, to a place I didn't know. Driving. In a van. With three kids. And my soon to be ex-wife, Satan. In August. To Florida. Staying two weeks with my arch enemy Fat Sandy,or as Satan called her, Mom. Now I'm not saying that Fat Sandy was difficult to get along with, but once on a tour of the Vatican, the Pope punched her in the throat. True story.
So, now I've driven for three days in blazing heat, with kids that started asking "how much longer" before we were out of our zip code, and Satan complaining about the heat rash on her behind, and that's A LOT OF RASH. The drive is done and we've arrived in Florida and now "I'm going to Disney World".
Your honor, all I can say in my defense is "I didn't know". I didn't know that staying at the Maison de Roach on scenic US 192 in the heart of Kissimmee was going to be that bad. Or that crowded. I didn't know I was going to have to pay sixty dollars per ticket.
I didn't know that Disney World wasn't all in one park, really I didn't. I was in the Dumbo line with my three year old son, when my daughter informed me that she, Fat Sandy and Satan were going to ride The Tower of Terror. "Sure, sweetie, great, I'll probably still be in line by the time you get back." Needless to say forty-five minutes later they still couldn't find that ride. Really, I didn't know. I didn't know that I would be in that line for two hours. Honest guys, I didn't know that a Coke was four bucks, that a burger was seven, and that I couldn't get a beer for any amount of money. We didn't stay for the parade, we didn't see any fireworks. The only smart thing that I was going to do that day was beat the crowd out of the park. I thought I was a genius. I just didn't know.

I hated Disney, my kids hated Disney. I hated anyone who liked Disney. Heck, I hated anyone who could spell Disney. But now you know how a Disney hater is born. I guess next time I better tell you where Disney Lovers come from.

See ya real soon!