Be Careful What You Say...

...Because God is listening and could use a good laugh right about now!

I used to start each morning with a prayer. "Dear God, thank you for allowing me to wake up and have another day in Colorado with Susan, truly two of your most beautiful creations."

So, when we last met, I was in Celebration and called the wife "Sell the house..." Do you remember that? Well, the very next day I was hanging out at Epcot, when I got a call from the director of sales, telling me my services were no longer required. I was stunned, shocked, flabbergasted. I was the department manger, still on a sales trip that had been a huge success by any measure. But there I was, just like the cross eyed circumciser; I got the sack!

That was in September. Susan started talking about moving almost immediately and looking at homes online. "Sue, you know I hate Florida" I'd protest. "If you hate Florida so much why do we go there all the time?" "We don't go to Florida, we go to Disney World. It's not the same". "Good" she'd say "Because we're not moving to Florida, we're moving to Celebration!" You've got to admit, she had me there.

In February we were back in Disney. It was time Sue got a look at Celebration firsthand. She was going to get Amanda on her side. "...and that will be your new school, and we'll get a nice house; like one of...well, not that...or that...or that, or that, or that. For Pete's sake Dana get us off East Lawn!"

In April she had me applying for jobs online (this internets thing is ruinin' my life).

In May, I'm invited to an interview. "Good, after the interview there's a bunch of the houses I want you to look at. Take plenty of pictures."

"Sue, I'm lost. Map quest me please" No, I am not making that up. I had my darling wife, guiding me all over the state from her office in Colorado. "What kind of drive will it be to where you'll work?" she asked "If nobody else is on the road, about forty-five minutes, with normal traffic, about a day and a half!"

In June, I was offered the job. At last Sue's dream was about to become my nightmare, so we're off to Disney and Celebration. Again. To find a place to stay until we found a house to buy.

While we were in Animal Kingdom, I got a call, we had an offer on the house.

Try and top this. While on Disney property I should never have my phone on. I've been called about distructive goats, I've been fired, I've sold a house that I didn't really want to sell. I won't even mention the call I got about the hot tub that froze solid after the party with the high school kids...Krisi, I'm looking in your direction!

On July 1st I pick up our "Save-A-Buck Rent-a-Truck" and wait for the movers to arrive. And I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm calling, I'm waiting. I finally get a call. They're still on a job in New Mexico!! They'll be here about an hour after the time that I had set for us to leave. So now I'm loading, I'm loading, I'm loading. When I say "I" what I really mean is..."I". See Susan felt the need to be at her job that day. Yes, the one she would not have tomorrow. She is very dedicated and there was work to be done. At the office.

She finally got to the house with just enough time to say "You're gonna need another truck."

"Okay, If I'm driving this truck, and you're driving that car, whom do you suggest drive the second truck? Should it be the dog? Because let me tell you, that dog hasn't been the same since that rancher shot him in the head! If this baby backfires, he's going to poo all over the upholstery."

Goodwill made quite the haul that day let me tell you. No second truck needed.

There we were, in the heat of the summer. Driving across the country... "In 129 miles bear right onto I-25/SR 210/CR 517/Hwy 9 to BFE ...Susan, Amanda, and her friend Andi and the two cats in the car. I got stuck in the "Save-A-Buck-Rent-A-Truck" with my wife's dog, Shane the Insane.

We arrived on the Fourth of July. It was hot and steamy (just like my underwear) and rained that afternoon. Little did I know, that was Florida's weather forcast for June, July and August. Thank God I don't live in Florida. I live in Disney's backyard. Celebration.

So, just what did Goodwill get that day?
Among other things, a one hundred year old piano that I had restored over the course of a year. A couple of wing back chairs that we had bought the month before...

...and a hand made, hot pink electric guitar that someone had to have, to impress a guy at school...Krisi I'm looking in your direction!

See ya real soon!

The Episode in Which I First See Celebration

So how does a born and bred mountain man come to be in Celebration, Florida? When I tell you, I doubt that you'll believe me. I've been living here for over a year and I'm not sure I believe it.

When last we met I was on my way to the "World" with my Susan and the girls. And I loved every hour, every minute and every second of it. They taught me the things that everyone going to Disney needs to know (Hello, Fastpass I'm talking to you) in order to make the most of their trip. So I did what any red blooded, totally obsessed Disney Freak would do. I went back. A lot. Not that that was easy. Do you know how hard it is to plan a trip to Florida when your plan also has to include getting a person to stay at your place to feed three dogs and two cats. "And you'll love the two Belles; Lilly and Clara, mind the white one, she butts. I bottled fed those goats since they were babies so they're like big dogs. With horns. Oh yeah , I almost forgot. You'll also need you to feed and water forty chickens and three ducks, please don't forget to collect the eggs. I guess you should feed the rabbits while you're out there".

The chickens were a Christmas present from me to Susan. Yes, really. I'll bet you've never been walking down Main Street U.S.A. and gotten a call because the goats knocked down the fence and the chickens are running wild and what should I do now?

We went to Disney every chance we could. Susan and I were bad parents (it's easy to believe of me, but not Sue). We lied, so that we could go without the kids once. We both worked for the same company and we told the girls that we had to take a business trip. Four days in Florida. Four days in Disney without any whining or crying. Okay, I whined a little, but I really didn't want to go on Mission Space two times in a row. It upsets my tummy worse than the $5.00 all you can eat Super China Buffet. Not the one over by the $4.99 all you can eat pizza. That one's okay. I mean the other one, two blocks up, by the $6.99 all you can eat lobster and seafood place.

In all of our trips though we never made it to Celebration. We thought about it. But we always stayed "on property" (Sue taught me that) and never rented a car (take the bus, leave the driving to us). So the one time I actually did come down to Florida on business I thought if I have a few minutes, what the heck. My first mistake was telling Susan. As I told you before, you can't mention anything to Susan, even in passing without her taking whatever actions are necessary to make it happen. I'd say I'm a thinker and Sue's a doer. But I'm not even a thinker.

There I was, driving through Celebration for the first time, doing all the things that I now yell at other people for, "HEY TEX, it's a friggin' house. Don't they have any where you come from? You're blocking traffic. People live here you know." It was dusk and the lights of the AMC Theatre were reflecting on the lake. The fountain was bubbling. People were strolling. Kids were frolicking. I wasn't sweating. It was beautiful. That's when I did it. It was that phone call. It's all so clear. Susan will tell you that I moved us here, but that's not true. Not even a little. I would never leave my beloved mountains. What I did do however was make a little joke. I called my wife on the cell phone, and when she answered, the first thing out of my mouth was, "Sell the house, I'm not coming home." And she did. And here I am.

True Story.

By the way, if you put the fence back up, put the goats in the barn and leave the gate open on the chicken run, the chickens will come home by themselves when it starts to get dark. Chickens always come home to roost.

See ya real soon!

Check out our Laminated Disney Pocket Park Guides

The Birth of a Disney Hater

Hi, I'm Dana, and I'm a Disney Freak and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I wasn't always this way. I didn't always live in a town built by Disney. I used to live in Colorado like any sane person should. My socks didn't always have "Hidden Mickeys" on them, they used to have the Nike Swoosh like a normal person's socks should.

How does one get to be a Disney freak, a lover of all things Disney? I started out as a hater. My first trip to Walt Disney World was a disaster of epic proportions. The kind disaster that can only happen in the heat of a Florida summer. A Florida summer so hot and humid your butt bastes in it's own gravy.

My first, and I thought my last Disney trip was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far from here. No, really. I started out by driving from my home in Denver, with what was at that time my soon to be ex-wife and our three kids, on a trip I could not afford, to a place I didn't know. Driving. In a van. With three kids. And my soon to be ex-wife, Satan. In August. To Florida. Staying two weeks with my arch enemy Fat Sandy,or as Satan called her, Mom. Now I'm not saying that Fat Sandy was difficult to get along with, but once on a tour of the Vatican, the Pope punched her in the throat. True story.
So, now I've driven for three days in blazing heat, with kids that started asking "how much longer" before we were out of our zip code, and Satan complaining about the heat rash on her behind, and that's A LOT OF RASH. The drive is done and we've arrived in Florida and now "I'm going to Disney World".
Your honor, all I can say in my defense is "I didn't know". I didn't know that staying at the Maison de Roach on scenic US 192 in the heart of Kissimmee was going to be that bad. Or that crowded. I didn't know I was going to have to pay sixty dollars per ticket.
I didn't know that Disney World wasn't all in one park, really I didn't. I was in the Dumbo line with my three year old son, when my daughter informed me that she, Fat Sandy and Satan were going to ride The Tower of Terror. "Sure, sweetie, great, I'll probably still be in line by the time you get back." Needless to say forty-five minutes later they still couldn't find that ride. Really, I didn't know. I didn't know that I would be in that line for two hours. Honest guys, I didn't know that a Coke was four bucks, that a burger was seven, and that I couldn't get a beer for any amount of money. We didn't stay for the parade, we didn't see any fireworks. The only smart thing that I was going to do that day was beat the crowd out of the park. I thought I was a genius. I just didn't know.

I hated Disney, my kids hated Disney. I hated anyone who liked Disney. Heck, I hated anyone who could spell Disney. But now you know how a Disney hater is born. I guess next time I better tell you where Disney Lovers come from.

See ya real soon!