Any time someone said the words “Disney World” to me, my reaction was to show two thumbs down and give a hearty Bronx cheer, followed by “Disney Sucks”; sort of like Hell’s version of Siskel & Ebert. Anyone who has ever met me can tell you that I am loud and proud. I believe in everyone’s God given right to hear my opinions.
I came to Disney in a very indirect manner. I had no intent or interest in going to “The World” ever again. Yet, if you ask my wife, Susan she’ll tell you it was my idea.
What happened was this. I had my behind firmly planted on the couch, like any healthy American male. I was bonding with my 2nd best friend (Susan being my #1, of course), Mr. TV. So there I was watching “Disney Secrets Revealed”. Now I imagine you’re thinking, a Disney hater watching a Disney show? What’s up with that? But here’s the thing, and I’m sure the guys will understand. It was in High Definition! 65 inches of HDTV! I’ll watch paint dry if it’s in HD. I mean, since I pay extra for HD, I watch HD. I’d prefer Women’s Beach Volleyball, but I’ll take whatever I can get.
Next morning, I casually mention on the way out the door, “Cool show” which my darling wife takes to mean “Please pack the bags and get us on the next available flight!” At noon Susan calls to tell me, “you know I just happened to be on the internet, and there are some great deals to Disney World right now." My response to her was; “A) no one just happens to be on the internet checking flights to Orlando, and B) PLBBBBBBT, Disney Sucks." When I got home that evening the youngest daughter, Amanda was thumbing through The Big Book of Disney Propaganda volumes I to IV. “I just happened to be at the bookstore”, says Susan. Well, first of all the bookstore is thirty minutes away, in a mall that's so small it gets (maybe) seventeen shoppers a day, six of whom just stopped to use the restroom before driving the other thirty minutes to town. Also, Susan hates driving more than I hated Disney. And at that point in my life the only things I hated were Satan otherwise known as the ex-wife,Disney and Texans. But I lived in Colorado, where we passed a law in 1976 that requires all its citizens to hate Texans. Failure to do so was punishable by public stoning.
By now I’m starting to get suspicious but I don’t give it much thought until the next day in the car on the way home when Amanda informs me that we’re going to Disney World! “No, we’re not! First of all, PLBBBBBT! Disney Sucks, and anyway, we can’t afford it.” Cue the waterworks for the eight year old girl please, thank you. Susan takes that moment to remind me that I don’t really know if we can afford it or not, do I? I don’t pay the bills, do I? Heck I don’t even know where the checkbook is kept. Why does our family have to be banned from Disney just because I once went with Satan at the wrong time of the year. And whose fault is it that a little girl asked Fat Sandy for her autograph, thinking she was Ursula The Sea Witch. Why do we have to miss out because I went once when the castle was in mid transformation into a Pepto-Bismol colored birthday cake. I was informed that with Disney you have to "know before you go". Being a long time visitor, she knew and she could show me. But if taking our first ever vacation as a family was not important to me, well she’d just cancel everything and I could explain it to the girls myself!
Do you see what she did there? She cut me off at the knees. I could either scoot around on bloody stumps for the rest of my life, leaving a trail behind me like a slug, or I could yell “We’re Going to Disney World”. That's just what I did. True Story.
We had an exhausting eight hour drive to take a four hour, red eye flight with a three hour layover in Hotlanta. Still, I was hooked from the first glimpse of Cinderella's Castle peaking over the trees. On the last night of our vacation, my eyes seemed to 'perspire' during Wishes. It was right about then that I got a tingly feeling on my scalp, under my hair line (I had a hairline at the time). And that's the moment a Disney Lover was born. Shortly after that I was talking about a Disney Vacation Club membership (hey, have you heard Disney's worst kept secret?). I figured, if I don't know what we can't afford, then we must be able to afford just about everything.
Thank you Susan. Thank you Amada. Thank you Walt.
